Putin v Penguins

By Mickey Friedman
May 25, 2017

It’s not just John Podesta and the Dems. Or the French who’ve been hacked. Putin is after my penguin friends.

For months, the website of Penguins United has been targeted. Hackers are trying an unending combination of passwords to get in.

Don’t know whether it’s Gucifer, Lucifer or Quikileaks, but the attacks began in the former Soviet Union. Now they’re coming from Egypt. Putin and his henchmen are everywhere. Even in the White House last week when Sergey V. Lavrov, the Russian foreign minister, and Sergey I. Kislyak, the Russian ambassador, came to visit.

I know the Senate Intelligence Committee has been busy investigating Michael Flynn, the former National Security Advisor. But my loyal penguin friends were hoping for some help from Congress.

They were heartbroken when told that even though many of them had lived in American zoos their entire lives, they aren’t really citizens. Without valid Permanent Resident Cards. And according to President Trump’s recent instructions to the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency, they can be deported at any time. Sympathetic Committee staffers suggested that penguins currently residing in American aquariums would be wise to spend as much time underwater as possible. Because few ICE agents can hold their breath long enough to secure an arrest.

Even though my penguin friends are penguins of good character and have made millions of American kids smile and laugh over the years; even though they have swum without complaint in incredibly small pools, always appearing before the public with good cheer and positivity; even though, as Worksheet M-480 of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services asks, none of them have ever deserted from the U.S. Armed Forces, they are illegal aliens. And so few in the government seem to care that they are Vladimir Putin’s latest victims.

It’s bad enough the Antarctic is cracking apart, but to make matters worse creepy Russian hackers want to insert ads for Viagra and human porn into Penguins United communications. To disrupt and discredit the penguin parliamentary political process.

Why Putin? Why penguins? Because they continue to fight the climate crisis. While Exxon and Moscow seek to exploit oil reserves where once the ice kept them from it, penguins advocate for more ice, for the Antarctic, their home, and for their polar bear friends up north in the Arctic.

At a time when so many humans don’t want to know that the melting of West Antarctica may be unstoppable. Which could propel sea levels 13 feet higher. When so many humans won’t do what needs to be done, there is Penguins United. Advocating for the ice; for the Earth. For all of us.

So it’s not surprising that Penguin Twenty-Two emailed Vladimir Putin telling him to knock it off. Which, because the NSA has been monitoring Putin’s email, ironically backfired. Immediately, Penguin Twenty-Two became a penguin of interest. For Homeland, the NSA, and the FBI. Which resulted in a face-to-beak interrogation by FBI Agent Andrew Sullivan, greatly annoyed that he had to fly halfway around the world to Antarctica to freeze his ass off at Penguins United HQ.

How well, Sullivan asked, did Penguin Twenty-Two know Paul Manafort? How often was she in contact with Carter Paige? How much money had she taken from Russia Today? And invested in Trump golf courses?

When did she learn that Michael Flynn had taken his family to see Twenty-Two’s second cousins at the Bronx Zoo? What was the purpose of that meeting? Asking, finally, if she or any of her relatives tried to buy a EB-5 visa for $500,000 from Jared Kushner’s sister?

Penguin Twenty-Two respectfully explained that she was, in fact, a penguin and not a miniature human in a tuxedo, and had absolutely no interest in a suite in Trump Tower. And certainly couldn’t afford one. Reminding Sullivan that he was missing the point: the real threat was coming from the Russians.

A penguin of great faith, Penguin Twenty-Two has a deep belief in The One God Who Created Penguins in Her Image, hates pornography, and is far more interested in fish, squid, krill and her fellow penguins than the madness of US politics.

Several hours in, Penguin Twenty-Two, worried that Agent Sullivan might be hungry, waddled to the shore and jumped in. She dove fifteen feet, gracefully gliding till she plucked some fish. Then waddled back to drop several smelt at his feet. Suggesting Sullivan might want to dust them with flour before frying.

At which point, Agent Sullivan shook his head sadly, closed his notebook and headed to his plane.

And so it was pretty clear that my penguin friends would have to deal with Putin on their own.

Putin, his nuclear ice-breakers, his friends at Exxon and the White House, wishing the ice would melt. To get 22 percent of the world’s undiscovered oil and gas. When it comes to Putin v. Penguins, I’m with the penguins.


Mickey Friedman’s Berkshire-based I Ching mysteries, “Danger” and “Folly”, as well as his non-fiction “A Red Family” are available on Amazon.com.

For more information:

‘History is repeating itself’: Russia is making its biggest push into the Arctic since the Soviet Union fell

Polar Bears’ Path to Decline Runs Through Alaskan Village

Tundra May Be Shifting Alaska to Put Out More Carbon Than It Stores, Study Says

Rift in Antarctic Ice Shelf Sprouts New Branch

“Putin v Penguins” was first published in the May 18, 2017 issue of The Berkshire Record.

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