By Mickey Friedman
August 13, 2015
I got the text message at two in the morning. “Cecil the Lion? The Dentist? You ready for our side of the story?”
He’d be the guy holding the bleu cheese crumbles in the cheese section at Big Y. “Call me Curtis,” he said. “My driver left the limo at Guido’s. I figured no one would know me here.”
I was thinking I had made a big mistake. This guy and this story was out of my league.
“Don’t think we didn’t check you out,” he said. “We know you’re a bleeding heart, pro-penguin animal lover. But me and the others in the Association decided that at least you wouldn’t distort what we have to say.”
“Thanks, I guess … But what Association?”
“The Association of Doctors, Dentists, and Proctologists Dedicated to the Preservation of Humane Big Game Hunting. You can call us ADD & P.”
“Fine … So what does the ADD & P want my readers to know?”
“First off, I think it’s important to say right from the get-go that I and my friends of the ADD & P always make sure that the big game we hunt aren’t famous. Walter Palmer messed it up for all of us. Like just last year, I had a clear shot at Bambi, but didn’t take it.
“Of course, taking these kind of precautions can slow us down. And I know there are other big game hunters who don’t share our scruples. And their walls have got a whole lot more heads than mine. But it’s a price we’re willing to pay.
“Two years ago I let Dumbo go. I had my AK47 at the ready. Dumbo didn’t even see me. But I thought to myself this elephant has his own movie and decorative pillows. He’s got to have at least a half-million followers on TweetMeter. Plug Dumbo and you got to know there’s major Tweeter flack-back. The last thing me and the ADD & P need.
“Fact is, the dentist made things hard on us all. Like I don’t want to brag, but I could have bagged Cecil the Lion a couple of times but didn’t.
“And speaking of lions, ‘The Lion King’ hasn’t helped. Or Disney for that matter. But I ask you: do we really need more animals with agents? With TV shows, singing animal songs?
“Used to be you could kill a warthog and nobody noticed. Now your nephew wants to know was he related to Pumbaa? Pumbaa, really? If you haven’t seen ‘The Lion King,’ will you really miss one less Eritrean warthog? As we humane big game hunters like to say: ‘A warthog on the wall is worth two in the bush.’
“What with the dentist, we realize it’s all about the picking and choosing. Who you kill. Used to be there were only a few famous animals. You had your Mickey Mouse and maybe a little less so, Minnie. And there was Donald and his lady duck friend, Daisy. You had your King Kong. And there was your Tony The Tiger.
“Between you and me I did accidentally take a shot at Tony, and I’m really sorry. I thought he was just another tiger until I saw his bowl of frosted flakes. And it never happened again. I only go for your run of the mill big cats.
“You’re thinking, why? Did you ever try shooting a horse at a full gallop? Just so you know, I never took a shot at Secretariat. I almost nabbed Sham. He’s a bit slower and less famous by a long shot.
“Most people think hunting is a snap. Let’s see you nab the Road Runner with a cross bow.”
“Well Curtis,” I said. “If you checked me out, you know I don’t hunt. I may have executed a mouse or two in my kitchen. But that’s because they transmit Hantavirus and Lassa fever and it doesn’t seem fair to trap and let them go to commit their mouse crimes just a few blocks away. But I do think it’s very creepy to share a study with dead deer and the severed heads of bears.”
“‘To each his own,’ we say at the ADD & P. None of this comes cheap, you know. We’re talking a lot of gum surgery and knee replacements and whatever the hell proctologists do, which we don’t have to talk about here in the cheese section,” putting down the bleu cheese. “It costs a cool $45,000 to bag an elk. So we stimulate the economy and cull the herd.”
“I thought you guys kill mainly for the thrill?”
“Watch it, buddy. This is our story, not yours. Remember, we know where you live. We know who you know. And where you get your iced latte. One misquote and you’re on my wall next to the meerkat.”
So this is their story not mine. And what’s a meerkat?
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First published in The Berkshire Record, August 6, 2015.