By Mickey Friedman
June 23, 2017
I recently moved and had to give up DirecTV. And surrender my remote control which knew how to skip commercials.
Now with Time Warner I’m seeing TV commercials I never knew existed. Like the never ending hugely nonsensical prompts to buy a car, any car at Fuccillo’s thousand dealerships.
And I’m experiencing what you all have endured: the too many heart-warming ads about prescription drugs. Humira for nerve damage. And Eliquis, an anti-clotting drug. And, of course, the erectile twins, Cialis and Viagra.
My favorite is Trumplexa. There’s Bob “Buck” Miller, and the caption reads Republican Congressman, shaking his head sadly, his right arm cradling his aching back in front of the Capitol Building. Congressman Miller looks at us: “For eight years I was obsessed with Obamacare, Hillary’s emails, Benghazi and our weakened military and all those ugly looking solar panels. But, I slept like a baby.
“Now that we Republicans are in complete control I’ve experienced fatigue and constant back pain. I can’t help thinking we might be going just a bit too far. My constituents are worried about pre-existing conditions and tax cuts for bizillionaires.”
We’re in the bedroom where Bob Miller can’t seem to get comfortable in his bed, groaning and fluffing his pillows, while his wife Dora, lying beside him, looks worried. Bob tells us: “I just couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning. Night after night until my wife Dora insisted I go see Doctor Ben Carson.”
We see a beaming, confident Dr. Carson dressed in his crisp clean white doctor’s lab coat. He thoroughly checks Congressman Miller’s blood pressure, listens to his heartbeat, checks his eyes and ears, and we hear the following narration:
“Have you’ve recently been diagnosed with increased and unusual compassion? Do you suffer from a heightened, disturbing concern for the less fortunate? Do you think children with cancer deserve decent healthcare? Have you experienced any discomfort as we abandon our European allies and embrace the dictators of Turkey, the Philippines and Saudi Arabia? Late at night, when nobody is looking, do you worry about Climate Change?”
Dr. Carson gives us the “Aha, I’ve Figured It Out Look.” Nodding his head, then smiling, he triumphantly hands Congressman Miller his prescription.
Congressman Miller looks into the camera: “Dr. Carson said I had Acute Demopoxia. He prescribed Trumplexa.”
We watch Bill and Dora Miller walking happily hand-in-hand together in a lovely valley filled with flowers, their frolicking golden retriever skipping beside them. Cut to Congressman Miller, Dora squeezing his arm lovingly: “I take one pill in the morning and one at night. I’ve stopped thinking about poor kids and our friends in Europe. And things are great again with Dora. Our family values, stronger than ever.”
As they lovingly walk into the distance, we hear:
“In some cases, Trumplexa has prompted the need to lie about almost everything. Several patients found they had an uncontrollable, sudden desire to contact Russians named Sergey, including Gorkov and Kislyak. In a few cases, patients have transferred their life savings from Citibank to a Russian bank whose name they can’t pronounce or spell. So, if you find yourself friending Vladimir Putin on Facebook, stop taking Trumplexa and seek immediate medical attention.”
Cut to Congressman Miller before a whiteboard, writing: “Let’s Cut Food Stamps!” Smiling, he turns back to the camera to say “Thanks to Trumplexa, I’m back at work draining the Swamp. And I don’t give a crap about the poor.”
Congressman Miller turns back to the whiteboard and writes; “National Cancer Institute – minus one billion 2017” as we hear: “Trumplexa. Make yourself great again!”
Thanks to the Ancestry and Twenty-Three ads, I’ve done several of those swab your mouth DNA tests. Worried I might have a propensity for foot-and-mouth disease or EOD, Early Onset Death. Boy, was I surprised to learn I had a one in four chance of developing Demopoxia.
Unfortunately, my primary physician knows about the hypochondria in my family history. Early on I made the mistake of telling him my Hungarian grandmother thought she suffered from every disease known to man.
So, I had to travel across the border to see Doctor X, my not really a doctor but he does have a diploma he downloaded from the internet. And prescription pads he might have stolen from a walk-in clinic that still seem to work.
I told Doctor X I was feeling a bit nostalgic for President Obama. That I even missed Joe Biden. I worried about Medicaid. I told him I’d like to try Trumplexa. Doctor X paused, then said: “I really shouldn’t say this because the Trumplexa folks paid for an all-expenses paid weekend in the Bahamas, but several of the people I wrote prescriptions for are either in mental institutions or seeking sanctuary in the Russian Embassy in Washington, D.C. Let’s skip Trumplexa. How about I start you out on a small dose of Penciva?”
Mickey Friedman’s Berkshire-based I Ching mysteries, “Danger” and “Folly”, as well as his non-fiction “A Red Family” are available on Amazon.com.
“Trumplexa” was first published on June 15, 2017 in the Berkshire Record.